I am the girl who blushes.
I can fake every semblance of completely keeping my cool in an uncomfortable situation, but I cannot control the steady rise in temperature which begins around my neck and creeps up to my forehead like a pink-hued whisper. As a child, I would read about characters in books whose often faces felt as if they were in flames, and it was to them that I could relate wholeheartedly. There are some moments when ruddiness will explode like a firework across my face – when someone disputes a witty jab I have made with one of their own, for example, or when I am caught so off guard by an unexpected compliment that I am unable to snatch it and whip it back like a boomerang. In these moments, the blush will sizzle away within seconds.
But in the presence of those people for whom I feel the slightest attraction, I can feel the heat down to the very back of my kneecaps, and am convinced you could fry an egg on my chest. It is the look of someone who has exerted themselves outdoors in the winter time and has come inside for hot chocolate with pink-tipped ears. Some boy (not man, and this is something I have been thinking a lot about but will go into another time), once pointed out to me that he knew I was still attracted to him because I radiated rosiness in his presence. I’m sure that did nothing to ameliorate the situation.
I found myself at a bar on Wednesday night, far past my (self-imposed) bedtime, urged on by someone who would not accept my no as an answer and on whom I have not nearly made up my mind enough to have given in so easily. And yet despite that I could feel my face simmering the entire night, urged on by alcohol (that always helps things) and the close quarters of the place itself. All I could think is how much easier it would be if like a chalkboard I could erase the ruddiness from my cheeks and thus shut the open textbook of my inner thoughts. Blushing is such an unfair cheat sheet.
But perhaps we all need something to remind us we lack control in this cosmic universe. And if that is my thing, then I suppose I will take it. For now, though, I am thinking of staying holed up in my kitchen where I can actually maintain some sort of control over heat.